Is That Call near?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Is That Call near? Current mood: depressed Category: Life
I've been really stressin these pass few wks. As much as I always look @ tha up n up side of things rather than tha dwn side, I still get bothered by things. Some things one doesnt' always feel is able ta speak ta other's about. Therefore; it stays contained & bottled up inside. Which could cause one's behavior to act accordigly. Just as 1 or more stresses may be rid of, there still remains another,..one, maybe 2,.....left unspoken. In hopes of lettin' it all out to improve not only one's inner soul, tho peace of mind perhaps, per sey. Tho I seriousely doubt whatever I may post here will make much of a difference within myself. Writtin use ta help me put myself at ease in many ways. Nowadays, I feel as if it really matters not, either way. Tho Im gonna just put what it is that has my soul in a bit of an unsettlin state @ this current point in time.
Fer as far bk. as Im able ta remember, I've had, what some wud consider as bein' a blessin, others wud consider it as a curse. I myself consider it as bein' both from time-time. B tha judge yerself if ye may, tho ta me, it matters not either way. What I speak of are Dreams. I dream, often as I do, most are always remembered. I've always had the gift of foreseein' what's ta come, per se, to those closest around or prt of me. Mostly none of them havin a peacefull ending. For those within these dreams of mine I wud b seeing their near end of visitation here on Earth. Disturbing they always would have been when I first realized what they were. Once I realized some are able to be changed in a few ways, I've always done my best to give forewarnings. Tho all to often they'd go avoided or taken all to lightly. When the day would come, they other person always said their final farewells to me, within my dreams. It's been awhile since I've had any of these type of dreams. It's been really peacefull actually. Up until all to recently.
The day in which I've soo been dreadin fer to many yrs now, I feel is all to near. I want not this day to come, ever! Tho I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I ask myself, who will be there to catch me when I fall? Tha answer goes unknown. I know the lord will be with me when this day does arrive as well as all other days that may lye ahead after it's forthcoming. Tho I'm gonna wanna be held tightly late at night, for comfort & companionship. From someone other than my children. Call it selfish if ye may, tho really yer opinion matters not to me. Tha one I speak of is none other than tha great woman that chose to bring me into this world. regardless of how fucked up it may b or seem or how fucked up some may think she may have lived her life. I think she did the most wonderfull job in tha world with me.
My nights have become sleepless, in fear of seein more. My days are becoming lost in fear of rest. I know this is somethin' I can't ignore much more. My mood may start to swing due to lack of rest. Tho as always I keep a smile upon my face, patience within my tone, as my heart breaks, tears fall, always unseen by others. I know the call is near. I feel it within my soul, every bone within my body tells me so. My dreams reconfirm it every time I shut my eyes, they become stronger. The stronger they become, the closer the day nears. Who will catch me when I fall? 'Tis another tribulation I must pick myself up from. One I wish will never come

My heart aches as it does everytime theirs does. I feel what they feel. When they hurt I hurt. They always ask why is it I try so hard to hide what i feel deep inside with a smile on the outside yet they know I'm tearing up inside. So many nights I hold them as they cry @ night & wait for them to fall asleep. So many times they ask questions, I'm not able to answer. A man who once had everything now has nothing more than a wife who prays nightly as she tries to lay dwn for the night, for a husband to come home & love her as she had always hoped he would. A wife who's not ready to let go, who holds on by the thinnest of threads. She opens her heart every night as she prays to the lord for her husband to return, the tears fall frantically from her face. Years have passed, she still prays in hopes that her prayers will be answered. She searches for signs deep within her soul, she sees none. Only notices a song that plays everytime she turns on tha radio or chances the station. She hears the lyrics & knows every word by heart tho doesn't wanna believe that's the sign in which is tryin' to be given.her children pray things will be better than before. That their daddy will soon come home, love them just as much if not more so than those of the other womans. For they are blood of his blood & the others are not. How can one preach what they don't believe in or practice themselves? they ask their mother. Shouldn't one only say what they truly believe in or what comes from deep within their heart? This woman has come along way, raising her children on her own. She's instilled many great qualities in which this world seemingly lacks in todays society. they are mature beyond their yrs. They've not yet lived half the life, in which their mother has, in her young age. She only wishes, prays & hopes to give them the things she always dreamed of giving her children when she was a child.
Estranged housewife, mother of three, nothing but the love she has for her children & the hopes, desires that her husband will soon come home. She has forgivin him for all that he has done. Tho others critisize her & tell her she should do otherwise. It's not within her heart nor her soul. She so wants him to feel the pain in which she feels deep inside, to feel the love her soul holds towards him. She no longer carries only the pain from within her heart, but the pain that comes from within her childrens hearts. So much pain, sorrow and sadness dwellin within. She no longer knows how to cope. She seeks for a shoulder to cry upon, an ear to hear her speak, an arm to lift her up and hold her at night. Many men persue her, tho she pushes them all away. Her heart & soul desires & yearns for the only one she loves. The one she promised to take care of for the remainder of her life. For richer or poorer, through sickness & in health, till death do they truly part. Her mind tells her to do one thing, tho her heart another. A continious battle within oneself setting none other than ultimate confussion. Entire life she's been told, to always follow her heart, as she has done just that. mind over matter, heart over all. the pain that dwells within is overcoming. She often thinks of the dark angel for an easy ending. Tho feels as if there's a hand wrapped around her wrist for protection. For what reason , she doesn't understand. only prays that God would make the suffering soon come to an end.

Who will care? When you're gone?

August 8,2006 Wednesday

I see the frustration in which cowboy is currently feeling. I see how the sudden big change of having me there home all the time - hardly there @ all is starting to take a big toll on him. Honestly, it's even starting to take a toll on me as well. Yet I have not much of a choice. I want nothing more than to stay @ home & raise my children & go to school only prt. time. I'm struggling now just as I was when I first started school, if not more so now, than I was. Now I'm a struggling full time student with a part time job that seems to be full time. My grades & study times are suffering substantially. Cowboy now goes to day care during the times I'm in school & at work, if, I can pay for it. I'm basically working just to pay for his daycare. Getting child support from their father is becoming seemingly impossible. The prossacuting Attorney is having a hell of a time getting him served! They claim they've tried twice in the past 3 months! Meanwhile 3 kids ta care for, a hell of a pile of bills, that keeps growing, & income is hardly enuff to even cover daycare.Strapped & trapped, just as he wanted me ta be. Yet I know not the reason for any of it. It's not I who is the only one suffering here, it's my/our children who are suffering the most through it all. They all see how I'm struggling to make inns meat, to provide for them. The girls understand I have to work to provide for a living, they see their father not helping me out in any way. They see the time spent together with me is cutt to a mere sudden embrace.
Written journal entries on paper I've got to get placed here, just in case something happens to them. For a few yrs. my children went w/o just as I. Though It didn't hit me that my children were seeing the things that were going on until one night I had come home from school there was nothing in the house to eat except for a can of refried beans. Though my children had little smokies mixed with shells & cheeze, the only thing left was a can of beans. I was starving I hadn't eaten anything in 3 days other than a pop tart I had eaten over @ their aunt Beths. I warmed up the can of beans, sat dwn & started eating it. MJ came up too me, shook her head & said "mom this is rediculouse!" I asked her what was ridiculouse & she said,"you eating a can of beans for your dinner, you need to eat mom! I haven't seen you eat anything in a couple of days now & if you don't eat then you will get sick and die & then who's going to take care of us?" I asked her if she had eaten a decent dinner she said, "yes" I then told her,"that's all that matters to me baby, is that you kids get the things that you need especially food, if it takes me going w/o just so you kids don't have to then that's all that's important to me. I'm a grown woman, I'm not gonna grow anymore but you kids still have alot more growing to do.I'll do whatever! it takes to take the absolute best care of you that I possibly can.You kids are all that matter to me, I hope you see & understand that." her reply to that was,"Yes mom but if you don't take care of yourself then who's going to take care of us? How can you be taking care of yourself when you don't ever eat?"
MJ slapped me with a highly great point! I had no wheels, no job, no cash, no nothing. We had been living in a house that was paid for yet documented as being an inheritance to their father.A father & husband (by paper documents only) not providing for his family in any way shape or form! yet he pulled in $65K in the previouse yr. & $60k the yr. prior to that. I was strapped & trapped with no way out. no family members to turn to for assistance & was in dire need of a divorce!
With not even a penny to my name I called Legal Aid NUMEROUSE OF TIMES & told them of what was goin' on! I begged & pleaded & cried for their help, yet they turned me dwn.I guess according to them denying a child of food, clothing,hygenic needs, medical neccessities & what not isn't considered as being abuse to neither the children nor to tha spouse who strongly felt her life was in danger. So I fought it myself! didn't get far due to him keeping me out of court the day of the hearing & dropping his petition. Yet he still didn't care for the children & I was left a sitting duck! So I finally swallowed my pride turned to neighbors, family & friends for assistance for as long as I possibly could then I turned to the state for assistance, he knew before I had turned to them, that they would go after him for the repayment. yet he still told me he wasn't going to give me anything unless he was ordered to by the courts! The state denied me due to a phone call made by him to my caseworker claiming that he was living in the home that we were in.They requested verification that I was unable to provide due to none of his mail coming to our house. Therefore; I was denied, unless I had moved out! So the children & I packed up & left. NOw there's a battle between MJ & KK about their father.Cowboy doesn't wanna have anything to do with him though he does ask occassionally where he's @.MJ has a love- hate relationship towards tha man.KK places him upon a peda stool.I myself guess I would be considered as having a love-hate relationship towards him as well. I love him yet I hate him for absolutely all of the wrong things in which he has ever done to me or the children. All that he's put us through, we definately never deserved. I hope he finds happiness within himself. I hope my children & I find happiness within' our lives.

June 3,2006 Saturday
Today LAZ took the Escort up, had 2 new tires put on it. I tried to find a place that gave inspections on Sat.,yet no luck there. I then went to clean & vaccume it out & had no quarters for tha vaccume machine, tha change machine was broke, again no luck there. I came back home,Madi had washed all tha dishes in the sink & on tha counter. I cleaned off tha table, vaccumed the floor, fed tha fish & took 'em all up to tha water park. We spent a little over an hour there. Came back to tha house, fixed a little lunch, they played for a bit, then we all came inside & crashed fer awhile. Woke up, went ta eat dinner, they played Insaniquarium fer a bit on my cellphone while I washed some more laundry. I popped tha movie, What Dreams May Come, in tha DVD player & they all crashed. I tole them I'd be more then happy ta take them to tha Water park again tomorrow as long as they all worked together & picked up their room. Only this time I'd make sure that EVERYONE has a towel for themselves & I'd wear my bathing suit ta lay out in tha sun while they played in tha water & I kept my eye on them.I'm gonna try pickin up another beach ball for Madi as well on our way out. As soon as we had gotten back, one of the kids threw tha ball in tha yard while tha puppy was out & he immediately went for it, instantly poppin' it. Madison was crushed, for that ball was her choice award for a school achievement. Grant its not gonna be tha same one, it'll be one that'll give tha kids a little extra ta do@ tha water park, especially tha baby. Tha ball really gave him a little somethin' extra ta do today. It allowed him ta inner act with tha older kids as well as with tha younger ones.

June 2,2006 Friday

Today KK asked if she could stay tha night with her friend Jamie. I told her I didn't have a problem with that as long as it was kosher with her dad. They came over ta pick her up & I asked her dad how his knee was doin'. He said it was doin' a ok, yet it hurt like a bitch, when he wokeup this mornin'. I took a look @ it, it had worsened. The top layer of his skin had started ta decay & the reddening had started to travel up his leg. I made a small slit in it to drain someof the poison & puss, yet it wasn't deep or big enuff for a complete drainage. So I went ahead& told him I would take Jamie for tha night that way he could go to the ER, get it cut & scrapedout then have some tape gauze put in it for faster healing & he wouldn't have ta worry about hisdaughter. He was wanting to put it off another day in hopes that it would heal on it's own. AfterI had stressed my concern with what was wrong with him & how it could effect him tha longer he letit go, he agreed & went straighht to the ER. I took tha kids to tha Twin Drive in to see Over theHedge & Mission Impossible 3. The seemed to have had a good time & enjoyed themselves. When it gotto chilly for them, they piled up in tha Blazer. When we got home, I thought they would have crashedout shortly thereafter, yet they stayed up until about 4am hootin'& hollerin' & playin'. All of their commoshion kept tha baby up, yet I was dead to tha world. So tired I'm not even sure I wouldhave awakend if tha house caught on fire! That's how exhausted I was!

This photo was altered ta be blue as per Madis' request. This is Madi & I, as ya can see @ Chuck E. Cheese's. We went there 2 celebrate KK's b-day. Though KK didn't take a few minutes out ta pose with me, Madi certainly did! Already she looks so much like me.

Chillin' with tha Bunny!

Here's my best friend; whom I consider as bein' more of a sister to me then anything, Beth along with my neice Onna, & her brothers, Caleb grinnin' widely, Dorian, wonderin' just what's goin' on! I love these guys a gr8 deal.Wouldn't know what ta do w/o 'em.
This photo was taken March 2004 tha kids said they didn't wanna chill with tha bunny this yr. so mom just passed 'em rt. on by.

Pox or just dots?

I think Madi has finally come dwn. With tha chickenpox. Though as mean as that may seem I've been wonderin fer awhile when & if they were gonna get it & in tha back of my mind kindly hopin they would get it soon, if they were ever gonna get it. Reason; it's a lot easier ta battle with less scarin' @ a young age then it is @ an older age. tha older one is when they get it tha meaner & tougher it is ta battle. If a person gets it as an adult it turns into other things which makes it even tougher ta battle. Some can even get it so bad ta where it gets in tha back of their throat makin it exceptionally hard ta eat, drink & swallow. If it is, I'll be releived. Though she's already prayin it's not cause she knows if it is then she's stuck inside & or away from other people fer awhile.Though I'm not able ta remember if I ever did go ahead & authorize her ta have the optional chicken pox vac. When she was a baby. I think I recall it bein' optional @ that time just not sure on if we went ahead with it or not. She's had no many different pediatrician since her birth it's not funny. I'm really not able ta keep up with who all she's had. I was just thinkin tha other day though that I'm n need of pickin up her records from her last 2 pediatrician. When I first noticed something it was a few spots on her face though I thought it may just be a few pimples only 2, no big deal. So she's been washin with my facial towelettes. Then yesterday I noticed her diggin @ her legs, looked @ 'em , only a few spots on tha lower part & a few on tha upper. Ok so maybe it's just a few flea bites. I looked over her entire body asked if there were any more anywhere else on her body, she said no, though I went ahead & examined her over. I said ok & off she went ta play. Then today while we were out @ tha hardware store pickin up a box of screws & a few masonry drill bits I noticed she was diggin @ her arms & both of them were bleeding due to her diggin @ 'em. I looked @ her arms told her ta stop scratchin' 'em & try not ta mess with 'em. I wiped tha blood from her arms as I did so I non schaulauntly looked her over & noticed a few more spots on her neck & face & arms. As we left tha building I told her I wanted her ta stay home tonight & in tha morning I would call tha docs ta try gettin her in. I wasn't' sure if it was chicken pox 'er not though I did hope it was that way it won't be as bad if she got it now as it would be if she were older.
Small fry's sick. Poor baby's gotta fever.When we woke up this mornin' I thought he had felt pretty warm though wasn't sure if it was just cuz we were wrapped up snugglin under tha sleepin bag we use as a blanket & he always being' naturally warm or if it was due to a fever. So I didn't mind with it all that much at first he was his natural onery morning self. Though once we got out of bed all he wanted ta do was nurse & though he was naked he was still on fire 30min. From bein' out from under tha covers. That ta me, wasn't norm. So I went ahead gave it a check & sure enuff it was a wee on tha high side. Though not all that hi, but high enuff ta make him uncomfortable. So he stayed naked most of tha day & in my arms. He didn't wanna be put dwn fer tha world. He chilled out a little in a warm tub though he didn't even wanna stay there very long w/o me. Afterwards he hopped up on tha couch, grabbed a cover, covered himself partially then pat tha cushion rt. Next to him as he held tha cover back. His way of sayin he wants me ta sit next to him ta cuddle. He's my little cuddle bugg. He really loves ta sit dwn. On tha couch after a long day of play & just chill out with mom, snuggled under a light blankie & pillow for his head or feet. Whichever he so chooses @ tha time. I wasn't able ta get them in ta c tha doc. Today though they'll be sure ta go in tha early mornin.

Sucky Cam

THIS CAM SUX!! LOL this cam was one of the more expensive ones out on tha market. I had wound up droppin' my other one dwn. tha steps & str8 onto a concrete floor. Of course it shattered! So off I went ta get a new 1. I thought well perhaps if I spent a little more tha better quality & durability I'll get. WRONG!! All lights in tha house were on when this pic was taken & look @ how it turned out! LOL So this is what I got with a $52 pc cam combo. Tha $18 all in 1 combo pc cam did a hell of a better job. My only complaint on that one though was it didn't withstand tha concrete crash! LOL O' well better luck next time.